I would like to share my story about the loss of my baby boy..

 

When I found out I was pregnant with Bailey, I was deeply shocked, however knowing he was inside made me smile. I told his daddy (Andy) and all he could do was smile, we had a cry together, but it was tears of joy. Although he wasn't planned, as soon as he was found out about him, he was a much wanted baby. It wasn't until he was 13 weeks gestation that it came out I was pregnant to everyone else. It was a shock to everyone, but they soon got used to the idea..Before that I wanted to shout out my good news to everyone! I loved everypart of him, and feeling him inside gave me so much joy. Whilst I was pregnant I worked at the Waterside (a pub in Warrington) as at the time of finding out I was still in college (being only 18), and ready to go to university, so the easiest job to find was in a pub. I loved the people I worked with, and they all loved Bailey. They all helped me through my pregnancy, as I worked all hours I could just so i could buy the best for Bailey, I even volunteered to do extra hours, and take on cleaning at 6.30 in the morning for a few weeks for the extra money so i could prove to everyone I didn't need help, and to show me and Andy would manage. I loved buying new things for Bailey, I went to Manchester and spent all my money on clothes, blankets and toys for the first few months. Then once I had a big collection I went onto saving up for the bigger things. At Baileys 1st scan, me and Andy were so excited watching him move around, we cried together as it was at this point everything felt real. It was at this point we were thinking about names, where we decided it would be Bailey for a boy or Baileigh for a girl, we loved the name from the minute we read it in a baby book. We then decided the middle names James for a boy, from my late uncle, or Brooke for a girl (because it was so beautiful). At Baileys second scan, Andy was unable to come, so I went with my best friend Laura, whilst we were there Bailey wasn't willing to behave, and prefered to move around so much that the lady couldn't check everything out. We did however, find out at this point he was a boy. I then went for a third scan, this time I went with two other friends Sarah and Rachel, as Andy couldn't get it off work. This time Bailey was playing about still, but then behaved to let her check him out. He was playing peekaboo with the camera, as when she moved the camera near his face, he hid behind his hand, when she moved it he moved his hand.. I could tell from that minute he would be just like his daddy!! He gave us a wave before we went, and alls i could do was smile for the rest of the day. It was at this point I started feeling him kick, and I started playing Tracy Chapman - Fast car, as he kicked to that song the most!! Me and Andy loved watching my tummy move, and cuddling up at night, as Bailey would kick Andy in the back throughout. We spent hours watching him kick, and feeling my tummy to feel him kick. Andy used to talk to him and tell him how much he loved me and Bailey, and how he will never hurt us, and all the plans he had for him. Everyone was excited he was a boy, as it would have been Andy's mum and dad's first grandson, and in my family it was my mum and dads first grandchild. Everything throughout my pregnancy went smooth, the only problems i had was backache and low iron i never had any other problems. I had a huge bump, everyone said he was going to be a big baby! Everyone use to ask me when he was due and did a countdown, all the customers at the pub loved talking about him. Bailey was due on the 8th March, on the 6th I started getting cramps at about 8.30am, i was so happy as i felt, 'todays the day'. I was home alone and managed to breath my way through the pains. at about mid-day my mum came home 'cos i rang her up telling her. I was easing in the bath though so i told her to go back to work, as it was easier to cope with not being mivered. I felt him kick once, and his foot rested in my side (they say this was probably the last) at about 2.30 i rang her up as the pain was getting more and more intense. I was trying to do the counting between the contractions but it was just constant. I held out until about 3.50 when i rang the hospital up, and told them i needed to come in. I got there about 4, and did a wee sample, when they were checking the heartbeat she couldn't find it. I thought nothing of it, as sometimes it took them a while to find it. She used a different machine and still couldn't find it. I was still thinking nothing of it, because I was convinced he was ok. She then used and ultrasound, and got a second opinion, and even a third. When we found out he had stopped breathing i didn't really know what to do. All my mum could say was 'im so sorry nat' and my boyfriend had gone outside because he couldn't face the news. I cried, but wasn't hysterical, I think it was because I didn't believe them. How could this happen? he was so healthy throughout, id felt him kick. As soon as i left the room, i was taken to the delivery room as my contractions were constant. I was given gas and air to help me, and said they would give me an epidural as they felt that it would be even more distressing for me if i felt everything. The epidural, however, didn't work, so i gave natural birth with just gas and air. It was 10.30 pm when Bailey was born. He was so beautiful, had my cheeks, my nose, my dimple chin, EVERYTHING! I was just waiting for him to cry.. but it never came. I was still in a state of shock and couldn't find my emotions. Everyone went home, and I went for a bath, all i could do in the bath was cry, but still i wasn't hysterical. I managed to spend the night with my baby, all i could do was stroke him and stare at him thinking about everything that had gone on and tried to understand as it was all a blur. I spent the next day with him, everyone came to visit throughout the day, we had him blessed and Andy watched them bath him. At 11pm that night, i decided it was time to go home, as if i'd of spent more time with him, it would have broken my heart even more leaving him. The next day i was straight to sort the funeral, i found if i kept busy it didn't hurt asmuch. I went into 'auto mode' no sleep, no food, just energy. He was later cremated on 16th March at Walton Lea crem,with a beautiful service by Rev. Micheal Finley. The songs chosen were Angels Wings - Westlife, Fast Car - Tracy Chapman and You'll Never Walk Alone - Gerry and the Pacemakers. The Poems read were: Footsteps in the Sand, and God Take This Child. Bailey was later buried on the 27th March in the Rose Bud Baby Garden, at Fox Covert.
I still to this day dont understand why he went, all i know is how special he is, and how much God must have needed him.

 

He will forever remain our special Baby Boy, and he will never be forgotton as he's locked away in our hearts.