It was December 31st 1998 and I was to spend it in the hospital. To anyone else this mite have been the worst place to be, but to me it was heaven. I had just had a beautiful baby girl. I had always wanted children so you couldn't get the smile off my face. After a few months I told my husband I would love another baby. He wasn't too keen though as he is a lot older than me and already had a daughter of 13 from a previous relationship. So for 7 long years I kept dropping hints to no avail. Then in June last year he finally gave in and said we could try for another baby. You can imagine my joy at this; the only thing was I had been having severe abdominal pain since April. I had to have lots of time off work and have numerous tests by my GP. These however all came back negative so eventually I was referred to the gynae doctors at the hospital. They did more of the same and when they got nowhere decided it would be best to have a laparoscopy to try to find the cause of my pain.

 This was booked in for January 2007, but I got a phone call in October saying they had a cancellation for November 1st so I could come in then. The day came and I went in for the opp. When it was done the doctor came to see and said they didn't find anything that might be causing the pain. They booked a follow up appointment for six weeks later.

 Two weeks b4 my appointment I started to feel a bit funny. At first I thought it was because of the opp but when the feeling didn't go away I decided to do a pregnancy test. I couldn't wait for the result to pop up but I was also dreading a negative test so I couldn't look at it for about five mins. When I finally looked at it I was really disappointed to find it was negative.

 I went to my appointment and was advised to go back on the pill. I was really upset when I left as I needed to take it for six months and I really didn't want to wait that long to try again. By this time I was already a few days late so I decided to do another test. I was sure it was going to be another negative, but to my joy it was positive. I couldn't believe it I was pregnant at last.

 I went to my GP who was thrilled for me after all the problems I had been having. She told me to make an appointment with the midwife who booked me in for a scan did my bloods and made an appointment for a home visit. Christmas came and went and I felt fantastic. I had given up smoking and I didn’t have a single drink over Xmas & New Year.

 On the 14 January I started to get some abdominal pain, it felt more like trapped wind than anything else so I ignored it as I thought it would pass. It didn’t and it kept me awake all night. By the next morning it seemed to be getting better so I took my daughter to school and I went off to work. I managed to get to the buss stop b4 the pain started again, this time it was worse than ever I felt sick and could hardly walk. As I work at the hospital I thought I would go in and if it didn’t get any better go to A&E. When I got into work the other girls looked at me and asked what was wrong. I just burst into tears because I knew something was wrong. My boss came with me to the early pregnancy unit and stayed whilst I had a scan. I had to have an internal scan as I was only 8 weeks but the sonographer forgot to put this funny shaped pillow thing under my back so she asked me to lift my bum up so she could slide it in. I screamed in agony. I gave birth to my daughter with no pain relief but the pain I felt then was nothing compared to the pain I felt when she put that pillow under me.

 I seemed to be on that bed for ever, I kept looking at the sonographer for any signs but she wouldn’t look at me. When she had finished she looked at me and I knew from her face something was wrong. She told me I had a gestation sack but it didn’t have a foetle pole of yolk sack so it looked like an incomplete miscarriage. Then she added that she found some free pelvic fluid that was consistent with a ruptured cyst. She put me in a room on my own and asked me to wait for the sister to come and see me to explain the results.

 When she came in she told me the same as the sonographer and said that the she had spoken to the consultant and I needed to be admitted and that I was going to theater. I was so scared, I knew something was wrong but I didn’t think it was that bad.

At about 10 past 7 that night I was taken to theater on a trolley as I couldn’t walk. I was wheeled into the anesthetists room expecting to be put under GA there and then, 10 to 15 mins later I was still waiting, when I asked why I was told the surgeon wasn’t ready. I was scared enough so this was the last thing I needed. All of a sudden this horrid looking black mask was put over my face, I nearly shot of that trolley I can tell you!

 The next thing I remember I was waking up in recovery crying in pain and asking why it hurt more than last time (the laparoscopy on November) I was asked if I was in any pain (hell yes) and told I could have some morphine. I don’t remember much after that till the Wednesday. I was in so much pain they nearly sent me back to theater.

 The surgeon came to see to explain what had happened. I was told that during the laparoscopy they found some tissue that they were not happy with, a cyst on my left ovary and a missed miscarriage. Because of this they had to call the on call doctor whilst I was on the table to see what they should do. She informed them that they needed all of the tissue for analysis so they were going to have to abort the laparoscopy and proceed to a laparotomy. A least now I knew why I was in so much pain!

 When Friday came I realized that I should be meeting my midwife later that day for my home booking. No one had told her I was in the hospital. I had to call her myself holding back the tears as I explained what happened. All the other girls on the ward keep saying you held that together so well. I just didn’t want anyone to see me crying.

But 10 mins later it all came out, it seemed to hit me like a double Decker bus, I was devastated. I had waited over 7 years for another baby only to have it taken from me at a click of the fingers.

 Before I was discharged I was told I needed to return for a repeat HCG test to make sure my hormone levels were going down as the ones I had after the surgery didn’t go down much. I said that was fine I would come in. I wasn’t until I read my discharge letter that I realized they were making me go to the early pregnancy unit for them. Of all the places I could have had it done they were making me go to the worst place possible. I mean who wants to go to EPU and look at the expectant mothers after what I had just been through. I told the nurse this only to be told it was hospital procedure, what a joke!  

 When I got home the next day the first thing I did was light a fag, it was the only thing that seemed to help. I spent the next few weeks crying, blaming myself and wondering if I could have done anything different.

 Five months down the line I still find it hard to deal with, someone asked me today at work if I was still pregnant, I nearly cried but just said I was ok and got back to work.

 I still haven’t got pregnant again yet. I am too scared of it happening again. I suppose in time I will try again but for now I am going leave it. I have got 1 BEAUTIFUL daughter so I am happy. Some people don’t have the luxury of already having a child to take your mind of what might have been.

 Michele xx

 P.S Well done to everyone who has written their story. It’s not easy to do, I know, I’ve just done it!