This is my story about my missed miscarriage (mmc), where your baby stops growing but your body does not miscarry.

I have to say first I am not trying to justify myself or anything but this is the hardest thing I have had to do, short of go through my experience, to write about it. I have never written about it before, most people do not know what happened to me really. I have never been able to write about it as it is even now too upsetting. Even with my happy ending (if you read that far lol) But it has taken me days and days to write and those days have been highly emotional and filled with tears. I think the birth of my nephew has made it all the more difficult to write, but as I started I knew if I packed in for a bit I would never go back and write it down ever, and I suppose it deserves to be written down at least. I don't know if I can come back to LAL I dont want to get into it but well I am struggling at the minute, but I didn't want to go without telling people my happy ending.

Well I found I was pg in June of 2004. I don't know why I even took a test, I honestly can't say! It was in my bathroom cabinet and I did it. It was positive so I panicked and got Ste to go out for two more! Anyway they were all positive, but I couldn't remember the last time I had a period, I thought I was about 6 or 7 weeks though. The mw sent me for a scan a few weeks later. I was being sick and had sore boobs, I was pretty sure I was ok pg wise. The thought never even entered my head about losing the baby. If i am honest though I was distraught at being pg, we weren't married, money was tight and I was still at uni. I hadn't planned it and I was not happy, I will be honest. The day before my scan I even had an argument with my mum and I said I didn't even want this baby so don't blame me. To this day I regret those words so much. When I went for my scan I was excited though, it seemed like it was going to be real for us, and the thought of actually seeing my baby was making me feel I was looking forward to this after all, it was not the babys fault it was in there, and I was starting to come round to the idea of being mum. Ste was over the moon from day one though, he was like a kid at xmas.

When we went in the room we were so excited, the nurse was just boring and quiet, I suppose when you do 30 of these a day you get like that. When she stayed quiet for a while we just looked at each other as if to say well say something! Then she said how far along are you? We laughed and said well about 12 weeks, but give or take a week or so When she said could you be less than 7 I just knew the answer was no, it had been weeks since the test, never mind my last period. But my mouth said well don't know it wasn't planned. All she said is I will book you an appt for next week follow me. She was really abrupt and shoved us into a horrible 'death room' away from the other patients in the waiting room. She came back with an appt and explained then that the measurements were all seeming to match but there was no hb. So i said are you just saying the baby is less than 7 weeks so you can't see a hb yet? She said maybe but all your other measurements are larger, indicating the baby has stopped growing. Then she said she didn't want to say that today though and wanted to give us a chance (oh thanks) to see if the baby grows in the next week. To go out of the hospital and have your phone ring off for the rest of the day asking about the scan was awful. We both rang in sick for the rest of the week.

One week later and we returned to the hospital, to the Early Pregnancy Unit this time. My heart broke when my dad turned up in waiting room, he took the morning off work to come and see if it was ok. We were told what we already feared in our hearts. The baby had stopped growing. HAving my dad there made me feel like even more of a child, I just went to pieces more.

Because I had a missed miscarriage I needed medical intervention I was told. My body would not naturally expel the baby so I needed it doing for me. I could have the most common option a D&C, or a hormone which would stimulate contractions so my womb would contract and expel all its contents. I chose the latter as I have a complete and utter fear of hospitals, and especially surgery and being put under GA. I had to take a tablet that day (wed) and then return on The Friday morning for another dose. That would set me off and I would have to stay in on the EPU ward for at least 8 hours, depending on how quickly everything happened. Between now and then I was to rest in case the first dose started me off early, and if it got bad I was to come in sooner. They wanted the baby for testing, to check it was just one of those things, and that nothing untoward had happened (What other than LOSING the baby...) I took the tablet and went home with orders to take painkillers if it started hurting, which it did a little. Nothing did happen for those two days though, other than a lot of numbness and watching daytime TV with Ste. On to Friday.

That morning we went into the hospital for about half 8 and everything was explained to us. To be honest I was not listening and did not take on board what I was being told, something which if I could go back I probably would do. They asked me to sign a form saying they could incinerate my babies remains with the medical waste as it was procedure. Looking back (and from other hospital protocol) I wish I had insisted on something a little less crude. Some places only cremate babies remains once a week with a minister who says a prayer, why they don't do this I don't know, it just seems a bit clinical, and asking mums in that state to sign stuff, I could have donated my organs for all I knew I didn't read it or take them on. Anyway, I was then given my second dose of hormones and about 30 mins later some painkillers. Luckily I had my best friends mum working on the ward who made sure I had plenty of painkillers pillows toast and tea lol. After about 3 hours I went to the loo (of course we were not allowed on the loo...it had to be the attractive cardboard loo things) I was sat there and along with a lot of blood out came my baby. It was wierd, like a baby I suppose, in a bag. It looked like an egg, god that sounds almost comic. A bit red and see through covered in blood full of fluid. although wierdly it fascinated me and upset me, I didn't want to touch it or anything, I just took it out to the nurses and told them I thought I had what they were waiting for, and she just said yes thats the foetus. She told me she would be over soon to go back to my bed. I did and I told Ste it had happened and at least I wasn't on edge waiting anymore, I just had to stay a few hours and then could go home. About half an hour later a nurse came over and explained again about the 'material' being sent off now for testing, and then it would be incinerated. She then said I would be able to go home if I felt up to it, even though it had only been 4 hours. I just wanted to get out of there so I just said yes please fine.

I got my stuff together signed some more forms and got more paperwork shoved at me and off I went. As we neared the entrance to the hospital I felt very odd. It felt like my insides were suddenly going to fall out all at once and I started to panic. The nearest loo was about 40 yards away so I just turned round and walked as fast as I could towards it. Ste said the look on my face was pure panic he didn't know what was up becasue I couldn't even speak. After only a few yards blood started to pour down my legs. It went everywhere , by the time I got to the nearest toilet there was a trail of blood and blood clots all over the main corridor, in front of all the shops, cafe, all over my shoes and pants. Poor Ste I think he was more shocked than me.I got into a cubicle and as much again fell around me all over the floor, the yoilet it was even on the wall I just cant even imagine where it all came from. I had to wait until the toilet was empty (a good ten minutes) before I could nip to the door and tell Ste to get a nurse, which took another ten minutes as the ward was clear across the hospital, I just locked myself back in the cubicle. She came with a wheelchair and asked did I want to go back to the ward it was probably a bit early to be sent home and I was in shock by now. I said please could I just go home. I just kept telling her about the mess outside and apologising and crying. She said she would help me to the car but not to walk anywhere for the rest of the day as my womb was obviously contracting quite a bit making loads of stuff come out and being upright was not going to help. When I saw my mum about 20 mins later she had to come to the car Ste didn't want me to get out and I couldn't even speak to her, I don't think I spoke for ages that day I was just in shock. Ste had to tell her everything that had happened and then we went I was a state.

Past that date I had to return many times to the hospital, and even almost had to go in for a D&C anyway because I would not stop bleeding and clotting or something. It has turned out to be a persistant problem, my body will not stop bleeding after something like this, it happened after childbirth too. I was given pills to stop it, after lily too. And because I refused to go through a D&C I was put on antibiotics and had to keep going in, but I don't regret it. I remember I was still toing and froing to the hospital in October.

A few months later (Jan 2005) I found out I was pg again. It was only weeks after our wedding, which was a very low key affair, as the family had to suffer the tragedy of losing our granny (my mum's mum) in December. Already in a pretty poor place emotionally I was of course terrified and spent every day wondering if my baby was already dead, as how would I know, I had no idea last time. I didn't trust my body or my judgement. Luckily I had a fab mw and a fab GP who got me into the EPU and we saw a little hb at 8 weeks, and then a growing baby at 12 and 20 weeks. I had a few more scans due to a low lying placenta, and due to my low placenta I did have some bleeding around the 24 week mark which resolved itself, but all in all (morning sickness aside) my pg went well. Despite this though I never really believed I as going to bring a baby home. In my mind I was still waiting for something to go wrong. Even in the delivery room I thought in my head I can't do it, this can't be happening. But it was, and it did, and I was handed my healthy baby. I felt like comeone had put a wash over me, a blanket of relief. Not happiness or overwhelming joy, it was definitely relief, and gratitude ( I dont really know to who) that I had been given this baby to love, been allowed to have her to be mine. This was my happy ending of sorts. Unfortunately I did suffer from PND following Lily's birth, mostly due to the fact I was sure something was going to happen still, even after her birth, and I would get attatched even more and then she would be ripped from me, but she is still here 18 months on, and whether something had happened at second one or in 99 years time I will feel the same. I have recovered and learned to live with my fears.

I am now pg again, BB (sex unknown) is due in June and this time I have had a very traumatic pregnancy, full of scares. I can't believe I have not lost BB. but I am including him/her here to let PAL mummies know that despite everything my baby is safe and well in my tummy at 27 weeks. I have bled from 11 weeks (including large blood clots), had a retroverted uterus (which corrected itself), a kidney infection, hyperemesis, I have been hospitalised and lost 2 stone. Oh and I now have thrush too, which I am sure will continue till I give birth then magically disappear (as it did with Lily) My baby, despite all this is still here. I thought, having no sypmtoms would mean my pg was fine, and I was wrong about that, and these telltale signs were bad news, and I was wrong about that. In fact you can have all these signs and your baby can be absolutely fine, even if you feel like death. You can still hold your baby at the end of nine months, you can still keep that baby and not have it taken away.

I hope people reading this can see that while the sadness never goes away and one baby does not replace another, life does go on and you do feel happiness. In fact i read an intersting quote once that, while not inspiring, makes me feel like I am a more understanding person for my loss. "In order to feel genuine happiness and be able to appreciate that happiness, you must also experience the depths of sadness and tragedy."

As for our first baby lost in Sept 2004. Our local council has two baby gardens. People who have lost loved ones, had stillborn babies years ago (when they did not have the opportunity to bury them and say goodbye) and victims of early pregnancy loos can have plaques in the baby garden. It can say 'baby jones' or the name. We chose to give our little beanie a name, a unisex one, so it did not just say 'baby antell' on the plaque. So we chose gabriel. Quite apt seeing as s/he is an angel protecting out LC. The plaque is not placed yet, but we still visit the garden where it will be to take flowers on Gabe's loss date and EDD.

So that is my story. I knew nothing of mmc before I had one. I assumed if you had a mc you lost the baby naturally, heavy bleeding, and my experience was very strange and upsetting, moreso as I had no idea things like this had to be done IYKWIM. So for those of you reading this looking for a happy end, I hope you get the baby you want safe in your arms, have faith that you will. I had no faith at all, and I have my happiness asleep in the next room, and being violent in my tummy! And something special watching over my happiness, protecting it, which makes me appreciate it all so much more.