i first met dean in september 02, my first morning in the ymca hostel....a LONG story, some parts fairytale like others just horrific really! but it took me 7 months before i spoke to him properly as my first impressions were that he was a scruffy sleeze!

but we both fell head over heels for each other, words cant describe the feelings we had, it was quite surreal tbh so after been together only 10months we got married!

the october before getting married we gave up ttc of just 2 1/2 months as i was booked in for a laproscopy...i'd had problems with menstural cycles since they started and from getting with dean my signs pointed more and more towards endometriousis...i couldn't marry dean not knowing if i could or couldn't have children, we'd both said since we'd met how children were gonna be big parts of our lives.

we'd given up on the idea of ttc altogether tho as we both found we had mental health issues to sort out, plus our wedding not been far away-we decided the beginning of january on a date! the hope was for feb 29th as it was a leap year but it was fully booked so next date that would be hard to miss was april 1st!

on honeymoon tho we met another couple that were just taking a holiday together and the topic of children came up, needless to say later that night when alone dean asked when i'd be ready to ttc, drunk i had the quick thought of when is the right time! if i said not now when would the right time ever occur with work and money, we were both looking for work at the time so another of my thoughts were what if i start work then we ttc and i get pg straight away...but another thought was it could take some time, not everyone gets pg straight away, so i decided there and then that we shuld start ttc straight away and wanted to go fluch my pill down the loo! dean made me wait till the next day when we could have a more sober serious chat and that was when it was confirmed, after that i never took another pill!

in the june tho things all got too much for me, i took what should've been a fatal drugs overdose. with my mental health issues and instabilites within my own head and the fact we still weren't pg i just couldn't take it no more. dean walked out after an argument and it took an old close friend to threaten me to make me tell dean. that night at the hopspital i was racked with guilt of what if that was our month, to hear a doctor tell me it wasn't worth doing a pregnancy test b'cos of what i'd done even if i was no way would a baby survive, it was touch and go whether i would or not, the next 24 hours my life hung in the balance as i was rushed to resus after my heart had stopped and a fair bit of my body shut down!


i struggled with physical health as my asthma got dangerously bad due to our housing conditions and with that came added stress so to move that december was fantastic, but there was a catch, we couldn't apply to move again for at least a year and with all the stress of the year we made a new years resolution to give up ttc as it was just too much for us to bare anymore...we joked it would be sods law that now we'd moved and decided to give it a break it would suddenyl be our month...and it was!

january 28th i did a hpt half hour before bil turned up to stay the night as him and dean were to go camping in wales the following day...the faintest of lines i was shaking and for once speechless and clueless! part of it was shock-could i really believe i was finally pg and omg what do we do now!

Dean said to not say anyhting to anyone yet as he was going away, but once he was back we'd get it confirmed before getting our hopes up. the next day in my excitement tho i found myself in mothercare buying a baby names book, my theory was if it was flase i could use it to name sims on my computer game! but i'd already started making a list of names i those 2 short days.

Dean came home a day early fed up after arguing with bil and the never ending rain and coldness of mount snowden so once he was home and freshened up we were straight to the chemist for a behind the counter test so someone else was doing it so we knew for sure it wasn't our imaginations...bfp again! we couldn't have been any happier, we just needed to find a gp surgery and register quickly, the next week we did and had a chat with the gp as it was my first pregnancy and i didn't have a clue what was what and when i should have appointments etc, she estimated us at 8.5 weeks.

after that we felt we should tell close friends and family, i'd always said since my teens i would never want to know of a pregnancy before 12 weeks b'cos of the what ifs as i knew from a young age i'd never be one to cope with a miscarriage, plus i knew that wait from finding out till a scan would feel like forever so tried calling our mums, finally i got thru to mine, she was estaticaly over the moon-a HUGE relief as i was petrified she'd give me a lecture, she just advised me i should tell my dad as we hadn't spoken in 2 1/2 years....deans mum on the other hand was different, she'd always hoped we'd be saying we were having a baby when we called to say we were engaged then that we were getting married so i thought she'd be thrilled, instead her response was "on no" with great disappointment...it took deans step dad to tell her to shut up and say congrats! part of the theory to that was one of deans step sister had "accidently" got pg a few months before and her reaction would be that of jealousy, even tho we'd been the ones ttc and heart broken at her bfp it was all about her and how unfair we were been taking the thunder of her baby, but over time mil seemed to get excited and would compare me to sil...

but our appointment to see the mw came thru for mothers day-it couldn't be changed unless i wanted to wait till i was 16wks before seeing her and my scan date shortly followed, feb 25th...the day before deans 20th! i hesitated and thought of changing the date thinking what if, but then a part of me convinced myself that going on that date things would have to work out!but i found myself one late saturday calling nhs direct after 2 weeks of minor spotting and was being told i should really go up to a&e unless i wanted to wait till monday to be seen by a gp to get the same info as i would get that night at a&e, so they called an ambulance out for when they had the time...2 hours later it finally came and of we went. i got a real nasty telling off from the men in the ambulance that i was wasting their time as i clearly wasn't miscarrying as they'd had women lose bucket fulls of blood so i was fine and been ott. we waited for hours up a&e, a urine and blood test and 4 hours of waiting later it was 3am and i was been told i was to have an internal examination but there were no female staff!

they said i had no fresh blood and nothing on myccervix so my baby was fine and i was having a normal healthy pregnancy so shouldn't worry myself and that was that.

a few days before our scan mil and fil came over and wanted to inspect for a bump, mil commented how sil was bigger at this stage but i didn't care, sil was a size 6 and i'd only just developed this lovely shaped little bump...i was proud i finally had summin to show for all the migraines and occasional nausea.

but the day of our scan came and we couldn't be anymore excited if you'd paid us! betting it was awake or asleep if it would be on a certain side etc...we were first to go in tho, no waiting necessary as we'd arrived 5 minutes late due to the buses. grinning like cheshire cats as we were about to see our baby the sonographer asked if i'd had any bleeding, it made me panic but just said i had minor spotting barely worth talking about and i'd been up a&e just 6 days before. he hmmmed and said baby was a little small to dates and he wanted a second opinion...the woman couldn't have pressed down any harder and informed the sonographer he was right. our faces just dropped, we knew even tho they hadn't said. they both walked off to the side door joining rooms muttering where i heard we were to be sent to elm ward. the bloke said he'd be back in a mo and walked of. dean just rested his head on my lap and gently cried while i said there trying to not show any emotion and telling myself none of it had happened. dean wanted a picture and i carelessly snapped what was the point as there wasn't a baby. insisting we walked out happy faced so no one knew what really happened we took ourselves to the ward where we were greated by the on call dr who took us to a side room and told us our options...we could wait and see if anything happens naturally, i could opt for the tablets or there was an erpc. i needed to talk to dean privately an after a few mins the dr got the hint and left us for a few min as i'd broken down. i just told dean i can't go thru the natural way, just have the erpc and we can forget any of it had happened and could move on. how could i "expel" my baby and not feel my loss to be real when i could opt for a erpc and in a sense my body would be none the wiser i'd ever gotten pregnant to be hurt, dean agreed as it was my body and he wass thinkin g of my mental state and what i was aying was better for me. the dr then said i'd need an internal tho to see if my body had already started the process of a miscarriage, he kindly went and got a female dr for me.

we had to pop out to go collect summin urgently tho so requested i could leave to be back a couple of hours later which he agreed and said i'd have a bed waiting. in that time we ran that errand and went home for mr to get a change of clothes and made some of "those" calls, everyone was upset and bil said he was on his way, mil we had to tell to stay away...the cow even had the cheek to snap at me down the phone when i asked how she was, "well how do you think i bloody feel" those words stick...i'd never known her to be so nasty, especially when it was summin she'd always appeared to have wanted yet i was the scum of the earth since getting pregnant. my mum and another close friend both said it was for the best, it hurt so much as i know both had mc when they were much younger but both had no feelings to thier losses and mad that clear, dean said my grandad sounded choked which got us as he was never one to show upset too. but we headed back to the hospital and found my bed waiting, bil shortly met us there. had all my pre-op stuff done, a canula in each hand bila nd dean outside most the time smoking cos of the stress-that day bil started back up! later that night they both left tho and finally i could cry, i sat there in floods quietly. a girl in the bed opposite aske dif i was ok so jus nodded, she got a nurse to come over and she just said i could talk to the nurses if i want so asked her if i could have a counsellor instead, but all were gone.

at 1130 2 surgeons finally came to my bed for a "chat" it was late at night on a friday and all specialists had gone home and i wasn't an emergency so i wouldn't be seen till the next day...being deans birthday! i explained that to me it was an emergency b'cos of my mental health and told them what i'd done just a few months prior and that the quicker this was over with the better, dragging it would screw me up and no way could i have our baby terminated on deans birthday, it would destroy him. so instead i got sent home and told to return 7am monday morning but to call just before leaving home to make sure my bed was ready,w ith that i called dean and he came and got me.

we celebrated his birthday as tho nothing had happened, his family were gobsmacked i was home and were a little worried about me, but it was deans birthday! bil and his fiance took us out for dinner and to the cinema, in the cinema i felt faint and bil commented i really didn't look too good, but when i went to the loo there was nothing sopresumed it was just the stress and went to watch our film...i cant even remember the film but i know it had dean and bil acting like kids walking back to the car!

dean was due to start his training towards a job on the monday so i asked my mum to come with me and sent dean on his way to work telling him he needed to go one for the job and 2 he didn't need to be there at the hospital as there was nothing he could do.i alled at 7am as directed and got a run around, by 8am i finally got thru to the right dept, i was on the list for surgery but currently didn;'t have a bed but they took my details and prmised to call asap when one was available. the call came at 11am...my mum got us there in under 10minutes! but we got there and still no bed, but the dr i'd seen the friday was there and knew i was urgent, we were put in the waiting room, opposite epau. if only i had known epau had existed! so many heavily pregnant women and those with newborns came in and out that room while we waited, one girl could swear she'd mc when she hadn't even done a hpt just said she'd been feeling sick and tired and had been eating more which drove me mad...i often felt like that when i wasn't pg! another was waiting for her scan at epau as she had a slight bleed and was concerned, no one knew what to say when i answered after been asked why i was there waiting getting stroppy and fed up. i'd been starving since 11pm the night before and at 430PM i FINALLY got a bed and put on a saline drip. dean had been sent home from training b'cos of what was happening and my mum left as soon as i had a bed. she went off at a few doctors during our wait about the hell they were putting me thru but she too kept getting ignored when pleading.

once i had my bed tho they wanted to do another internal to see if things had changed then a few hours of waiting later gave me a tablet to help open my cervix ready for surgery. i was in agony and tears, tears for the pain, what we were going thru with the added crap from the doctors and how unfair it was as my bed was on the wall against that of the maternity ward next door...plus to cap things a lady and her new born baby were in the side room that was directly opposite my bed. i felt so bitter and angry, not only had i been starved for 17 hours before getting a bed and a drip and countless internals and sorry theres not enough beds but people on the gynae ward for heart problems and diabetes they'd topped me over the edge by putting me near as many new born baby cries as possible.to top it around 8pm a male doctor came over and said he wanted to do ASNOTHER internal and this time to also insert and instrument past my cervix etc, he laughed at me and told me i was silly when i refused to allow him and told him he could wait till i was under ga cos i wasn't gonna be put thru any more pain and discomfort when i'd had plently of internals already.

not long past midnight i finally got taken down to theatre, i had to wait in the prep room for 45 minutes as i'd "missed" my slot in theatre b'cos the nurses hadn't icked up the phone as they were gass bagging and that was more important.

i finally got taken back up to the ward around 130am and had another fight on my hands witht he nurses, they were sending dean home as it was a female ward, despite my pleas of how much i needed him there and how we'd spent all day waiting for summint hat should have been done the morning before b'cos of their cock ups, but they were having none of it, unless i wanted to discharge myself! i couldn't trust i was safe to go b'cos of my care so far so hung in there and had my tea and toast and waved dean off from my bed.

the next morning i was rudely awoken by a nurse taking a blanket of me then ripping my curtain open...along with a mass of new borns crying, the one opposite refusing to settle. i had to shout at a nurse to get someone to pull my curtain round as i wanted the loo but my gown was still open i had no underwear on and everyone could see all! with that when i could get out of bed i was up and dressed waiting to be told i could go home. the doctor came round and said all had gone well and i just needed some antibiotics to be on the safe side. the previous day we'd spoken to a cons about my fertility an ttc so now i had all the info i wanted and just needed to be signed out.

in my wait to be discharged i went outside for a smoke, i couldn't take the stress. outside smoking we got talking to a lady, turned out she was on my ward..and bay! she'd heard us the night before talking/arguing with the nurse, she said she was so sorry for our loss and couldn't believe the way we were being treated, she said she felt disgusted as she was the one with heart problems that were under control but had been diagnosed with diabetes! she could relate to our frustration that she should have been on another ward, but she wanted to go home too!

when i got discharged the nurse was lovely, she knew how desperate we were to go so did things as quick as possible...only she tried telling me i needed to stay longer after she removed a canula and i wouldn't stop bleeding, we somehow managed to convince her i was ok to go and the bleeding had stopped and went toleave as quick as we could till i saw the "original" dr. i had to question why at one point my notes we snatched out of my hands and taken away from me as from the small portion i had read all i read was lies that i had refused to stay on the friday after been informed i shouldn't have-which i wasn't and that on my notes it stated my pregnancy was unplanned and i was mentally stable. the dr refused to discuss it and said he hadn't lied on my notes and if i wished to read them i should consult my gp. an argument nearly erupted as i was mad and hate dbeen fobbed off and the fact lies were forever going to be on my notes, but dean and other staff told me i should just leave as things were done and over now.

dean went back to his training the following day, it was then i found myself breaking down, i could never do it in front of him as i felt i had to be the strong one, and if i could convince him i was ok and forgetting all that had happened things would e ok. i told him the day we found out we had an angel i didn't want to become one of the statistics of couples who break up following a miscarriage and that io felt there was summin feminine about our baby on the screen.

to this day i still can't forget seeing my baby laying motionless on that screen or any of what happened. i still feel bitter and heart broken when i think about it.for 3 months follwoing my erpc i recieved letters from the midwife telling me how urgent it was i saw her, she always added the subnote "in the best interests of your baby" too. every time i got a letter i'd phone up and be refused to speak with her so woould rant at the receptionist that i'd lost my baby so to please leave me alone as i was struggling enough as it was, needless to say that mothers day was hard. just 5 days follwing my erpc...we went to mil's, she wanted me to be surrounded by people, only sil turned up heavily pregnant and causing trouble with another sil. i went outside as soon as she'd turned up to go have a smoke and cry and try get myself to pull together and be strong enough to face her, when i went back in she asked how i was and everyone stopped. i had to say i was ok so i wouldn't get questioned and end up crying, all that night fil kepting telling us how "lucky" we were to have had our loss so early on and sil kept talking babies and how hard pregnancy was and mentioned names, dean gave her one of our names-chloe!...when she had her baby i was SO relieved she hadn't picked OUR name. that night tho i spent most my time in mil's kitchen been the tea girl and found when i did go in the living room i was sat on the floor as sil been pg couldn't poosibly sit on her bf's lap or the floor. i could see why but felt resentment for the fact no one seemed to care about me and what me and dean had just been thru so when she came into the kitchen when i was on another tea making round we had a quiet "chat" and i told her how hard things really were and that we'd been ttc for 9months and she was there pg with a healthy baby that was unplanned. she was shocked we'd been ttc for so long and i think deep down a part of her felt a little bad for putting me in such a position, but i perked up as fil walked in and started doing the opregnancy talk and what goodies she could get and said she'd have another so look after her fellas fertility etc....it was another hard thing i had to do in my loss.

from that tho i ended up back round a gp's after arguments with the job centre, they said i couldn't refuse a job if they wouldn't allow me to have couselling b'cos if i needed it i should be signedd of by my gp and be on incapacity...with that i had to luck up the courage to ask for quick and serious counselling and a sick note. a few weeks later i started CBT(cognetive behavioural therapy) the lady confirmed i had ocd with anxiety and depression, i had also developed agoraphobia and she helped me rebuild myself in telling me how i could change how my mind worked which triggered certain feelings of anxiety. i finally stopped seeing her in feb 06 at 7 1/2 months pregnant!

after our mmc we decided we couldn't just wait for mother nature to determine when we could be parents so started charting and reading up on natural fertility and looking into how we could improve our chances, dean even let me get a little bracelet at one point as a littel summin to symbol our babys part in our life as she would never be forgotten but he couldn't talk about her, in a way i guess it was his way of stopping me from talking to him about it all....

3 1/2 months after my erpc tho i was pg again, this time my gp referrred me straight away to a mw, this time at a different hospital as i refuse to step back in the one where we lost our angel. with that i got epau visits! our first was when i was exactly 6 weeks, they booked us in for our 12wks one too but at 8 weeks i got wobbly as we lost our angel at 8+3 so they offered me one at 9wks for extra reassurance. this time we took a close friend who was a father figure to dean to our 12wks, he talked so much rubbish in attempt to calm me down and he too was thrilled to see our chuckie had grown and still had a heart beat, he was almost in tears too!

i had an ok pregnancy till i got to 20wks when i stared to get alot of pelvic pain, i was forever at the doctors telling them..i spent 10weeks trying to convince all my gp's (i saw 5!) and mw's there was a problem when at 30weeks i finally got diagnosed with spd, but it was too late as 4 days later i couldn't even get out my bed! i had urgent physio the next months but all she could so was give me crutches and a support belt and tell me what positions i could/copuldn't do in labour and advised i avoid an epidural at all costs, but at 36 1/2 weeks i saw a cons mw after a physio referral to speak with her, ran the maternity unit as chuckie was breech and she could advise me best for labour and plaster my notes and show me around more so i felt assured. she told me my chances of a natural delivry were at around 5%, chuckie had been breech for so long the chances of him/her turning were xtremely low... plus i had suspected OC as the last month of pregnancy my skin went awol and was completely out of control with itching and painful rashes i'd seen so many for help with.

it turned out i didn't have oc, merely a severe case of excema bought on with my skin under alot of pressure with pregnancy and stress as i was so worried. at 37+2 i had an ecv where they try to turn a breeh baby the "right" way round. they tried so many times and i was forced to ahve gas and air in hope, but it failed, chuckie just wasn't gonna turn. i felt a complete an utter failure as i wasn't going to bring my baby into the world nature had planned and was petrified of the idea of a section, but at 38+2, 1 year and one day after my erpc chuckie was born- a little girl weighing 8lb 6oz!the surgeons were shocked at her weight, the first i heard to acknowledge her birth was "shes a big one"...in shock i had question if that meant i'd had a little girl! and again dean was the more emotional of us! grinning like the cat that got the cream holding back tears he kept going thru names for our little girl! we'd chosen saphire but seeing our not so dainty girl it just would suit! once in recovery we finally settled on chloe jasmine, the biggest baby of the day and the quickest to latch on and longest to feed! she was the biggest baby ont he ward the 4 days we were in hospital, i felt so proud!

since having chloe i ahve been to a psychic fair, upon leaving i was in the car park when "harry the healer" shouted oer to me that she was with me...he meant my "lost" baby girl...he confirmed my suspicions i had a little girl before chloe and that she was always with me and often agve me cuddles as i'd felt and seen out the corner of my eye. he said to look after my other little girl who was coming soon so can only presume my next will be a girl as he knew i had chloe too and insisted it wasn't her he meant! from that day i finally managed to settle on naming our little angel sapphire, now i "knew" she was a she i could give her a name...

i mentioned her to chloe and refer to her to chloe often and sometimes i will to dean to, cautiously as i know he prefers to block all that happened out. we do fear another loss and a long battle of ttc...but after having chloe and seeing how much joy children can bring we'd go through it all again! chloe is a huge credit to us as many point out and deep down i feel theres a little of sapphire in her too as she knows so much so young!

i told you this was long, but if you got this far well done! children really are magical gifts and with time i've learned that my angel is with me always just not physicaly, she is a part of our lives and will never be forgotten...deans not long told me that he too remembers everyhting that happened so clearly and thinks about her often, he just cant share it thru pain and fear!

we've always refused to go back to the first hospital b'cos of the memories and lack of care-they never did et me any support, but lately we've found in desperate circumstances we will as we're "moving on"

Rachel xx