I was 27 weeks pregnant and had for a few days been feeling hyper,light-headed and tired all at the same time,a very odd floaty feeling all the time.

I was working in an office at the time and we were very busy and short staffed and so I knew I couldn't just go sick so I struggled into work.

my boss noticed me acting strangely like I wasn't really there and made me phone the doctor.

As soon as the doc had examined me he phoned straight away to the hospital and told them to expect me ASAP.

He then told me I was suffering from pre eclampsia and by tonight I may be a mum.

I was in shock my dh drove me to hospital and within an hour of being there I was starting to fit and my baby was in real danger.

They only managed to give me 1 injection of steroids to help my babies lungs instead of the course of 2 before I was whisked away for an emergency c section.

It was to dangerous to put me under a general anthestic so I had a local.

Not that I remember to much as I felt so out of this world and floaty.

My darling boy was born at 00.29 on 13th April 1994 and cried straight away.

After a quick look he was whisked away to the baby unit.

Then I seemed to have lost 2 day as I was so ill,my body swelled like a balloon and I couldn't open my eyes,I could hear but I just couldn't get the strength to speak.

When I was finally well enough I was taken to see my son and learned that for the past 2 days he had been fighting for his life and I was numb with grief that I hadn't been there for him.

His lungs were so under developed that bagging him had blown a hole in one lung and now air was escaping and he was much to ill for any kind of procuders,he had countless blood transfusions and the drips were burning his skin.

he had past away once already and his chest was red and angry looking from the attempts to revive him.

I spent as much time as I could with him(which wasn't much I regret as I was so ill myself),holding his hand,talking to him.I was even allowed to wash and change his little bum.

but on the 20th of April 1994 we were summoned to the unit late evening to be told he was really struggling now and I was asked to make the hardest decision of my life,if he were to pass away again do I want him to be resuscitated.

I had to take into consideration the state his tiny body was in and what effect each revival was doing to his body and brain.

I was told he was likely to be brain damaged and would have a huge struggle ahead of us to keep him alive.

I choose to let him pass peacefully I felt it was his choice too,when they switched of the machines if he breathed I knew he wanted to fight on but he didn't.

my beautiful boy died peacefully on the 20th April 1994.

it was hard at first I blamed myself and the decisions that I had made, but it took a long time to realise it was the right thing to do.

not a day goes by when I don't think of my brave boy and how proud I am of him.

I love you my baby boy



thank you for listening