Ive known Chris forever. We used to play together as kids. We were friends and nothing more. We grew up and didnt see much of each other even though he was/is one of my brothers best friends. After a night out to celebrate a mutual friends birthday.. we shared our first kiss. We decided to give things a go and to see how things developed between us. It was the 6th of march 2005. We hadnt been together very long but i knew pretty quick.. he was 'the one'

It was Sunday the 12th of june when i discovered i was pregnant. I did the test alone but as sson as it turned positive i was out the door and on my way to Chris's. Our first reactions were shock, id been on the pill but i had managed to miss afew. The shock was replaced by pure excitement, we nicknamed our baby 'peanut'

On Friday the 17th of June i started spotting.. i was terrified i was loosing our baby. It didnt last long.. maybe an hour or so. I went to see my GP on monday the 20th june, she arranged a scan at the EPAU clinic for the following week when baby would be more visable. I was also given a sicknote for 2 weeks.

On the 28th of June at 2pm i went to the EPAU with my auntie (Chris couldnt get time of from work, i assured him id be ok without him).. there it was as clear as day.. my peanut! Heartbeat flickering away! To say i was relieved is an understatement! I rang Chris straight away and told him things looked ok. The sonographer couldnt say why i had spotted, i didnt care! My baby had a heartbeat! I was given the 12th of February 2006 as my EDD which made me 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

Chris proposed to me on the 30th of June and i said yes.. Life was great.

I got to 12 weeks without anymore problems and i saw my MW the day i hit 12 weeks for my 'booking in' appointment. I started to relax a bit after i hit the magical 12 week mark... i bought some odds and ends for our Peanut.

Around 13/14 weeks i felt funny.. just generally unwell.. there wasnt anything in particular wrong but i just didnt feel right. I kept having dreams that id had the baby but the baby was never in the dreams. During my 18th week i had yet another dream.. I was in the supermarket and had put the baby down somewhere but no matter how hard i tried.. i couldnt find him/her. I didnt realise at the time how significant this dream would be the week after.

On sunday the 18th of September the drama began.. id been to work that day and didnt feel quite right.. i rested for the rest of the day. Chris and I had sex that evening and afterwards i noticed bright red blood. I rang the hospital and they sent an ambulance for me. I rang my auntie whilst waiting for the ambulance, she arrived at my house at the same time as the ambulance.

When we arrived at the hospital i was taken straight to a delivery room and scanned immediatley. There was my Peanut.. bopping away.. heart beating strongly. There was no indication from the scan where the bleeding was coming from. I was told i had to stay and was moved to a ward. I told Chris and my auntie to go home and get some sleep.. id be ok.

During the early hours of the 19th i was moved back to the delivery room as i was passing large clots. I had no pain what so ever. For most of the monday i yo-yo'ed between the delivery room and the ward. Still without pain. I had my visitors and was kept overnight.

On Tuesday the 20th i was discharged at lunch time with orders to rest and a scan appointment for the anomoly scan the following week. I was still bleeding but it had gone from being bright red, fresh blood to brownish and not as much as the previous day.

On Wednsday the 21st i was back at the hospital first thing for a GTT which was a long standing appointment from a few weeks before, i was home for lunch time.

At around 3pm i had backache, it was hurting and i got out some of the pregnancy books.. all the symptons id had pointed to a kidney infection. At 6pm i rang the hospital and they told me to go in so they could check me over and to bring an overnight bag. I rang my auntie who took me to the hospital which is 30 minutes away in the next town. Id told Chris to stay at home and that id be back soon.. I thought it was a kidney infection and that they would give me some meds and id be able to go home.

I got there and was asked for a urine sample. The pain in my back was coming and going but not to any sort of regular pattern. They told me i was going to be kept overnight for observation. I rang Chris and told him not to worrythen i sent my auntie home at 10pm. I was moved to the ward at 10.30pm.. By now the pain was bad but i hadnt let it enter my haed that i could be loosing my Peanut.

I pressed the buzzer at aroun 11.30pm to see if i could have something for the pain.. the nurse came and asked me where the pain was.. I said through tears "its everywhere". She went to get a doctor, the doctor came and examined me and then she went out behind the curtain and i heard her say "no... 6 centimeters" She back in and i asked her if i was loosing my baby.. she took my hand and simply said "yes"

Off i went, back to the delivery room, crying my eyes out.. i used my mobile phone to ring Chris and my auntie as i was going down the corridors. I told Chris i was loosing Peanut and to get to the hospital as fast as he could. It was 12.10am on the 22nd of September 2005.

My Peanut was born at 12.25am. I was alone... I remember one of the MW's asking if i wanted to see my baby and that she was agirl. Dont ask me why but the first thing i said was "what does it look like" meaning my baby.. The nurse didnt answer, she just passed my baby to me wrapped in a little yellow blanket wearing a little yellow hat.Chris arrived at 12.30am with my a

untie and his dad. I told him we had a girl, he hugged me and cried with me. My auntie was crying and all she kept saying was "im sorry, im sorry, i shouldnt have left you" over and over again

I held our baby for a while, still thinking id had a daughter. A MW came and asked if id like some hand and footprints doing.. i said yes so she took our baby away. When she came back she said to me "Amanda, someone has made a mistake.. your baby is a boy" I looked under the blanket when Peanut was passed back to me and sure enough there was a little winky.. she was infact a he. I think i cried solidly for about 6 hours, we sent Chris's dad and my auntie home at 5am.

Me and Chris sat together just looking at our baby.. our perfect but tiny baby, i said he needed a name and we decided on Lewis Christopher.

I think i fell asleep for an hour or soin Chris's arms whilst still holding Lewis.

At 8am the MW came in to tell me she was going off shift. She was lovely, so caring and compassionate, she cried with me and held my hand throughout.. but do you know what? .. for the life in me i can not remember her name.. it upsets me that she is someone so important in Lewis's arrival and i cant even remember her name. I know what she looks like.. ive seen her since.. i just dont know her name.

Anyway, she said she was going off shift and that she hoped to see me again soon under happier circumstances. At 11am i was seen by a consultant who told me i was free to go home whenever i was ready. I was given an appointment for 6 weeks later to discuss the findings on testa done on Lewis's placenta.. i had previously refused a PM as i didnt want him messed around with anymore.

I so badly wanted to go home but i didnt want to leave my baby in that room all alone. It wasnt right.. he should have been going home with us.

Saying goodbye was by far the most heartbreaking thing ive ever had to do in my whole life. I sobbed uncontrollably as i listened to Chris telling Lewis that he loved him very much.. I took Lewis's hat with me... the MW had said i could have the hat and the blanket but i just took the hat... i didnt want my Peanut to get cold...

We finally left that room, the room where Lewis was at 11.55am on the 22nd of September 2005, 11 and a half hours after he was born. The minute i left that room i left my heart too and i left a piece of me that can never be replaced. I cried all the way to the car park where Chris's dad was waiting for us.. and i cried all the way home.

Id just gotten out of the car when my mobile rang.. it was the hospital, they had forgotten to tell me my options for what happened next. It was explained to me that i could arrange a private funeral for Lewis or that they could do it for me and Lewis would be placed in a communal grave with other babies... i opted to do things myself.

The next few days are a blur.. all i remember is crying. Id left the hospital with a shoe box covered in yellow tissue paper which contained the hand and footprints and varios other odds and ends. Everytime i looked at that box it was like a kick in the teeth.. i wanted my Lewis not a damn box.

I arranged the funeral for Friday the 7th of October at 1pm at the local crematorium... Another day etched in my mind, there was only a handful of people there.. I didnt care who was there or who wasnt.. i was more concered with the fact that my precious Lewis was in a box instead of in my belly.. safe.Chris chose 2 songs to be played at the service.. Forget me not by Lucie Silvas (a truley beautiful song) and Hard to say goodbye by boyz to men. It was a short service followed by drinks in a pub close to where we live.

On the 28th of November i recieved a letter from the crematorium telling me that Lewis's memorial stone had been erected.. a strange day.. the 28th was when i had planned on starting my maternity leave.. Chris and I were at the crematorium within half an hour of recieving that letter, armed with flowers and a card. It snowed the minute we stood in front of the stone... it looked so pretty, little snowflakes falling all around us.. i i hate snow now as some of you know.. its just another painful reminder for me.

So there you have it... my Peanuts story.. the story of a special tiny little boy who touched my life in so many ways.. despite all the agony and the tears that we went through and still are going through.. im thankful..Im thankful for being Lewis's mummy..Im thankful for the time i got to spend with him..Im thankful that i got to hold my very own angel..Im thankful for how hes changed my life, for making me a more understanding person, a better person.

Dont get me wrong.. if i could have him back right now, id grab him with both hands and never let go.. i long to hold him.. just one more time...

Thank you for taking the time to read about our little Lewis